Despite Myself

After my christmation I returned to China with zeal and fire, crucifix and Bible, icon of the beloved son of thunder, Tupperware full of cubed antidoran, and prayer rope around my wrist. Everyday I would eat a piece of the incorruptible antidoran to break fast, read from the scriptures, and pray the hours.

But I soon fell in with my familiar demons; those that know my name, who stroke and caress my flesh and lust for my soul. After falling into sin and forsaking God's grace yet again, the remaining bread decayed overnight, literally, so that in the morning my breakfast was denied to me. A warning and reproof from God to be sure. Yet despite this I know that just as Christ's flesh suffered and bore the pain for man's illness, so too did the antidoran bear the marks of my own wickedness, and spare my soul from blackening mould.

I repented. And more, I repented with knowledge given to me by the Spirit of Truth that my stumble had come not from submitting to my demons but before then: by allowing them near me. Neglecting my study, ignoring prayer; these things allowed the demons to rush upon me - just as now that I type this at night, those same demons cower in the shadows.

Lord have mercy! And drive those demons yet further away. (But not too far else I would miss them...)

How much wonder there is in the fact that through this humble sign, God can chastise me, forgive me, and teach me, despite myself. How great is God! The treasury of Truth from now and unto the ages of ages.

Amen.